Hypothetical Love Letter

Dear Dave Lieberman,

Hi there! My name is Nicole, and although I know this may sound a little crazy, I think I should tell you: I believe, with every fiber of my being, that you and I are soul mates. I realize that this sounds a little…outlandish, especially since we have never actually met. That might be a problem for some people, but not for me, and hopefully not for you either, because I think we could really be something special, and once you give me a chance to explain, I think you’ll come to feel that way too.

I remember the first time I saw your show on the Food Network, making your budget conscious meals and serving them to your friends and family. I was immediately attracted to your easy smile, your sparkling eyes, and your adorable laugh. But those things are apparent to everyone. The more I watched your show, the more I began to appreciate your obvious joie de vivre, your thoughtful, enthusiastic commentary, and your kind heart. I’m always on the lookout for swell guys, but you – you are more than swell, Dave. You’re magnificent.

For those reasons (and several more not totally appropriate to publish reasons), I have a proposal for you: I think we should get married. Soon. I can’t think of any way in which this could possibly be a bad idea. The one snag that we might hit is that you appear to be Jewish and I am not. This isn’t an issue for me. I would even be willing to consider conversion if it was that important to you (it did, after all, work for Charlotte and Harry on “Sex and the City”). I’m not always flexible like that, but for you, Dave, I think I could be. Unless of course you don’t believe in marriage, in which case, let’s move in together and develop our own kind of Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell dynamic. I’m more than fine with that too. Whatever you want, Dave. Let’s make it happen.

Once we work that stuff out, I think we should absolutely have children. It goes without saying that those would be some gorgeous kids. They would be as beautiful as John Travolta likes to think his kids are. Your inherent perkiness and easy going demeanor, coupled with my dry wit and fantastic organizational skills, would, I think, turn out a few of the most impressive, well-liked people on the planet. They would be marvelous, little half Jewish/half Italian pieces of art. Masterpieces, even.

I can see our lives together very clearly, Dave. Waking up in the morning, reading the paper in bed, dropping the kids off at school, hitting up the farmer’s market, then going home, where you make our family an amazing meal while the nanny cares for the children and I drink a few Mojitos. After dinner, we’d read the kids a book and put them to bed, then watch a little late night TV and adjourn to the boudoir ourselves. And did I mention the passion? Oh yes, there is passion. I can feel it now, even with all these miles between us. Sit closer to the computer monitor and you’ll feel it too – it’s buzzing, completely electric. Doesn’t that sound like a dream to you, Dave? Doesn’t it just sound divine?

I love you, Dave Lieberman, and I hope that after reading this letter, you will love me too, or, at the very least, be open to trying to make something magical happen between us. I know you’re very busy, and it must be terribly exhausting to be as constantly enthusiastic as you are, but I’m willing to wait. I know, in the deepest depths of my soul, that you are it for me. You’re the one, Dave! And for that, I would wait forever (I mean, I’ll wait forever unless Jeffrey Garten - you know, Ina’s husband - happens to come back on the market again. Then I might have to reassess...).

(Almost) Wholeheartedly yours,

Nicole